1. |
Cabin
02:51
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I am a console of good despair
And I only want to have you
No matter what the statutes
Bring me a bottle to capture air
But the room is full of sidewalks
I would rather be deadbolt
I wouldn’t ever remorse you just
To be satisfied with my life
I am not so deep in pride
That’s the way I like to think it but
There are all these things that I want
That I have never begot
Ten cigarettes in the atmosphere
There’s a lightbulb in the ballroom
The fixture sprays its values
Focus the times, nothing’s sacred here
Ridiculous, all these steps
It takes to get to world war
Culture is something revered by man
Sometimes I wish we would go back
Anthropocentric anthrax
Now sex is something you have to learn
There’s no more animal instincts
You better know your manners
So I am going to write a song
Anyway I can imagine
I wouldn’t understand it
I feel that something is slightly off
But it’s not enough to save me
From suffering and working
I’ve got three hours to do this work
I want to start over badly
I don’t want to be judged free
Oh, all the clocks are ticking so fast
But I’m here thinking of you dear
It hurts my ears the breathing
Can I blast all of my screams aloud?
I know it’s so weird for you but
This is music to me cause
Even though there’s no real melody
It gives me this sort of feeling
My brain is always peeling
Oh, just one more verse to make me happy
Everything is an illusion
Hey, when did I talk to Lucian?
I don’t know why we had such a bond
Now there’s nothing left in common
All imagery forgotten
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2. |
But When I Know Who I Am
03:37
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I knew a boy at school named William
And we didn’t get along
But it struck me how it shifted
And he was one of my few friends
He moved away at some early age
And I never thought of him much
But I guess my brain retained how
I had never had that trust
I had a dream that we were both at
A giant school with deadly traps
I traveled far and wide to find him
In an attic wooden black
I had come back from the future
cause I knew that he was dead
And the blood came rush before me,
but we always knew our lines
William, I know you are dead
If you don’t get out of your head
How can I tell you to leave
Without saying that I love thee?
I walked away when I lied
“You know, I have always loved you”
Suddenly, his suicidal perch
Turned into my own shadow’s lurk
I went around this school with errands
Tossed around by random kids
I don’t know what I’m supposed to do here
But I’ll always grant your wish
And now William thinks he owns me
Cause he thinks that love is cute
And I’ll stay with it regardless
Cause I live avoiding guilt
Should I be proud or confused
As the savior of this poor boy?
All that I do is appease
And I wonder what will I be?
Should I be proud or confused
As the savior of this poor boy?
All that I do is appease
And I wonder what will I be?
But when I know who I am
There are so many things to add
But when I know who I am
There are so many things to add
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3. |
Bodies Fall Apart
02:42
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Suddenly I’m living
In a world where I can’t understand anyone’s face
Touching, touching, touching
Touching and mutilating bodies, insane!
My friend had eyes that shifted like a swiss army knife
Every time I took a picture, it was a different guy
I don’t wanna make you comprehend a moving work of art
There’s something about the way he moves that made him fall apart
In my old house, I found
Weird dolls resembling you and me when we were little kids
They were way too lifelike
But then I tried to touch it and it melted in my fingertips
Skin was slime between my hands that wouldn’t stay together
Can’t discern the properties, it had magnetic poles
I was trying to fix him up so I could live the past
There’s something about the way he moves that made him fall apart
The clay that humans wear, the ink of human touch
The clay that humans wear, the ink of human touch
I was trying to fix him up so I could live the past
There’s something about the way he moves that made him fall apart
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4. |
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You said you don’t like social media
I know you don’t have anything out there
But Ryan made me think it was okay
Now it’s a habit to search for any trace
I did find some things but I’d rather pretend I didn’t
My habit’s holding back, but when I go to sleep
I dream of ways that you’re hiding something
Posting your life at the touch of a screen
Every time, it’s another extreme
From knowing your password, to your searches and things
I know you are true, why would I hide from you?
Why would I be so scared of finding something new?
I think the worst was when I found, on my desk,
Several videos of you playing with your ex
I’ve never seen her, but I dreamt of her head
Beautiful body in a swimsuit of red
I WANT IT SO BAD BUT I DON’T NEED IT SO FAST
I’LL PICK UP PIECES EVEN IF IT’S A SCRATCH
SINCE YOU WON’T TALK THIS IS ALL THAT I HAVE
I KNOW I’M CRAZY BUT LET’S JUST TRY TO LAUGH
I WANT IT SO BAD BUT I DON’T NEED IT SO FAST
I’LL PICK UP PIECES EVEN IF IT’S A SCRATCH
SINCE YOU WON’T TALK THIS IS ALL THAT I HAVE
I KNOW I’M CRAZY BUT LET’S JUST TRY TO LAUGH
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5. |
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Everything you have loved
Sleep through the quiet lust
Turn away from all that
Let yourself turn to dust
I will go with my soul surrendered
And we’re not alone
Not alone
Not alone, not alone, not alone
And we’re not alone
Not alone
Not alone, not alone, not alone
Everything you have loved
Sleep through the quiet lust
Turn away from all that
Let yourself turn to dust
I will go with my soul surrendered
And we’re not alone
Not alone
Not alone, not alone, not alone
And we’re not alone
Not alone
Not alone, not alone, not alone
Everything you have loved
Sleep through the quiet lust
Turn away from all that
Let yourself turn to dust
I will go with my soul surrendered
You don’t walk alone
Not alone
Not alone, not alone, not alone
And we’re not alone
Not alone
Not alone, not alone, not alone
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6. |
Poor Face
05:30
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To live as a woman, you’ll find out your body’s public
If you’ve got videos, you better delete right away
Even 5 seconds, they can turn it to something nasty
If you don’t want that, you’ve got to live your life in private
Light crying out from the moon
At the poor sight of her face
Imposed on a girl who’s been tortured
Light that destroys her identity
Her job as a teacher, suddenly a joke
She tried in the court, but the judge said free speech
The same men who shame her are chasing her behind her back
It’s not very hard to give them that wicked satisfaction
But it’s not that hard to respect
We don’t have to live like animals
I hide my face to avoid that fate
Light crying out from the moon
Light crying out from the moon
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7. |
Only a Hunter
04:10
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I know there are certain things
Best kept for times by yourself
But raw frustration in my dreams
Just can’t be fed sufficiently
An amplified version of me
The club of the hide, the things I hide, the things that you can’t see
Whoa, place is allowed
Only a hunter, only a hunter
Imagine more fucked up things
I could discover, I could discover
Even though I’ve got more problems
Think it’s time to let myself go
I know this, there’s always something
That makes temporary happy
But if I have things to do
People to see, I’ll pursue
But in these dreams, there’s no time
Gotta look at people’s rides
Even if they revoked this file
I am obsessed, the things I hide, the things that you can’t see
Whoa, place is allowed
Only a hunter, only a hunter
Imagine more fucked up things
I could discover, I could discover
Even though I’ve got more problems
Think it’s time to let myself go
I know this, there’s always something
That makes temporary happy
I know it’s hurting my brain cells
These dreams should put me in a jail cell
At least in real life I’m smarter
Than to let my ego fluster
Then again, what makes us happy
When there’s nothing lovely happening?
I don’t know my sexuality
That’s okay, nobody wants me
Whoa, place is allowed
Only a hunter, only a hunter
Imagine more fucked up things
I could discover, I could discover
Even though I’ve got more problems
Think it’s time to let myself go
I know this, there’s always something
That makes temporary happy
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8. |
Flower
03:54
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I’m in a crowd in a stadium
I’m sitting next to some girl named May
We have both been assaulted
And there’s 3 men on the stage
They said our own personal perpetrators
Were somewhere in the audience
I looked to my right, I saw the girl
We looked deeply in each other’s eyes
Even though I don’t know her
Then a fellow with a nasty grin
Yelled something that was so disturbing
Then everyone was screaming
I grabbed the girl’s hand and ran outside
“We will wait until it is sunrise
To be safe from those guys”
She was too depressed that we missed the show
So I gave her cherry blossom
She said “that means nothing now”
Walking round, we found my grammar school
We then found forbidden areas
Where everything was wood
I said “there’s no way we can be here”
But there was a kind small old lady
Who greeted us gently
Then we were in a museum lounge
I said “let’s go see the exhibits
Think I found the way out”
Then we ended up on different sides
And she was going to a bad place
I called her name so strong
Then a lady that I knew was
Trying to call her back here to behave
She can’t remember her name
She was calling her a flower
Or maybe a blossom
Even I knew that it was wrong
Before she made it, she was scolded
And told not to go where you’re not allowed
I wondered what was there
Then I wondered if we’d seen the old lady
Instead, or May was a boy,
Would it have been the same?
I am a console of good despair
And I only want to have you
No matter what the statutes
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9. |
Airpush Down the Stairs
02:56
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You are chasing me over the ocean
You look stronger but I am more skillful
You’re the enemy and that’s a clear thing
I have a cape and you are the robot
Your motherboard fallen deep in the water
You can’t live without this old contraption
I dove so deep that I found it sinking
Then I had to make a quick decision
I could go down to the bottom
I could save you from destruction
It would make me a saint
I know that you cannot see me
So it’s easy to lie about it
I run through your past mistakes in my head
So I’ll report
I can’t find it, I couldn’t find it
And I watch
You sink down with your ugly metal
And I know I’m right
Now I’m walking the stairs in a building
This baby carriage is blocking my pathway
I’m gonna lower the secret baby side
You didn’t notice that I was alive
But can you tell I am tired of portraying this absurd person?
You know the way that I live is the opposite of this skit
And though it seems that the ones who act so get their way in life
Yes, when I know who I am, there is something beyond more grand
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10. |
I'll Be at That Point
02:06
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They said, how you know Christians have a reason to believe?
How do you see, how do you witness life changing?
I said, when you believe, you call on God for everything
And that’s okay, he listens but won’t always please
And that’s the answer I gave to some churchgoing fiend
But I don’t know if that is what I truly see
I don’t have to try, the way I look always seems clean
But after Sunday, I only think of devil things
I agree to prefer the devil call
In my dreams, we have sudden loving falls
I exaggerate what I wouldn’t give
To hear something familiar in a bliss
I know it’s not real
But if I never stop
How bad will I be?
I’ll be at that point
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11. |
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You and me on the ground
Did you see what can be found?
You are me and I am you
So begin to find me
I am trying to understand what is in you
You are such a mystery
You can’t even speak to me
You rely on something I can’t do
Something I can’t do while awake or asleep
It’s haunting me, it’s haunting me
Like a bell at night that I can only hear
When my eyes are closed
When they are open
All I see are the vague shadows
And I stare into the ceiling
And everything starts flickering and sparkling
Like a match
Flowing around my eye floaters
This operation can’t be real
All I see is pitch black
And it cannot be real
This is improvised, improvised darkness
Inside my mind, I cannot make it real
But you’re telling me to make it so
It cannot be this way
It cannot be this way
These are the requirements I need for sleep
Sometimes when I walk around
Some things are a little wrong
Furniture not where they should have been
I move as if I can glide
Strange replacements now define
This dimension I now call a dream
I know when this is not real
I could make anyone appear
End the conflict that’s driven me down
But there is something amiss
Wakeness threatening my bliss
All I see are shadows and outlines
Of the things I wish to touch
And I’m stuck inside my slum
And I feel so empty with these clones
So bring me back to real life
Open up my eyes inside
I see my bedroom door and walk around
But it is another layer
I still feel the gliding there
Cloudy feeling, how’d I think it’s real?
As I’m trapped in rings of sleep
This anxious song will repeat
And I go day to day living the same
And will I dream forever
All here alone?
I have not felt my desires
There’s no control
I’m turning round expecting
Something that makes me happy
But muteness and no feeling
Drown out everything that keeps me on my feet
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12. |
June 18th
04:28
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We do our best
Even if affections end
We do our best
One day we’ll rest
There is no world
Where I would not strive for you
I’ll do my best
One day I’ll rest
All that I can see
I got a box with your old ID
And it’s just for me
You’re everything
I know you’ll come back
When you listen to songs, I know you’re alive
Because you’re my life
Don’t want otherwise
We do our best
Even if affections end
We do our best
One day we’ll rest
There is no world
Where I would not strive for you
I’ll do my best
One day I’ll rest
All that I can see
I got a box with your old ID
And it’s just for me
You’re everything
I know you’ll come back
When you listen to songs, I know you’re alive
Because you’re my life
Don’t want otherwise
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13. |
Hinman Park
03:01
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I find myself here in Hinman Park
I find some shade before it gets dark
I kill the day before it melts away
This is my home until they find my pain
I close my eyes and take another deep breath
My heart is beating loudly in the red
My head is throbbing in the melting sun
The children laughing unknowing my gun
Is there a chance of being, a chance of one?
Leave the body, leave the gun
Is there a chance of being, a chance of one?
Leave the body, leave the gun
A mile away, the bodies in the car lay
They once had names, but ashes now they decay
The dizzy guilt that’s rippling through my brain
Stand in the park before they jail my fate
And then I wake up screaming, what have I done?
I’m no killer, I have no gun
And then I wake up screaming, what have I done?
I’m no killer, I have no gun
If there’s a meaning to this, to console,
I fear that I’ll lose control
If there’s a meaning to this, to console,
I fear that I’ll lose control
Do you not see a very strange painting
In the way the killer panics standing?
I feel the same with insignificant things
I want to live without the guilt of living
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14. |
Gazing
05:36
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I want to love forever
For all the times together
I maybe have not met you
But I love you and your pedals
I may not know your lyrics
But that guitar tone captures
Unspoken feelings too deep
The strangeness of wordless sound
I can’t say all I feel
But something works in here
As you finish your song
I see you’re standing straight
Gazing at all the eyes
Of those who need your life
They feel this true solace
With everyone inside
I want to love forever
For all the times together
I maybe have not met you
But I love you and your pedals
I may not know your lyrics
But that guitar tone captures
Unspoken feelings too deep
The strangeness of wordless sound
I can’t say all I feel
But something works in here
As you finish your song
I see you’re standing straight
Gazing at all the eyes
Of those who need your life
They feel this true solace
With everyone inside
I see you’re standing straight
And when you think about
Those old indulgences
There’s something greater found here
Within psychedelic harmony
It’s all in your old mind
I want to love forever
For all the times together
I maybe have not met you
But I love you and your pedals
I can’t say all I feel
But something works in here
As you finish your song
I see you’re standing straight
Gazing at all the eyes
Of those who need your life
They feel this true solace
With everyone inside
I want to love forever
And will I dream forever?
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Lylajean Evanston, Illinois
Lyla (she/her), 22. New single 女優 / まだ愛がない out now! Check out my Subscribe tab for a way to support me and get access to demo albums of exclusive content, with new ones dropping almost every month. lylajean.bandcamp.com/subscribe
Lylajean recommends:
<3 I created the artwork for this great album. Tobias (Carndye) co-produced my songs "Actress", "But When I Know Who I Am", and more.
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